Episode 1
Standing before the students and panting silently, I felt uneasy. I could not understand what was happening. This was a class I had taught many times in the semester. It was quite familiar. But here I was, uncoordinated, disheveled and fidgeting internally. Everything in me, including my brain, felt rigid and uncooperative. No, it can’t be! I was just supposed to go in and walk out after two hours of lecture. But today was just different – it wasn’t going as planned. But it was too late because I was already in front a sea of eager and expectant faces. And this is the downside to being an adult. If I was a child, I would have just excused myself and left the class. So, I wrote the topic on the white board and started as usual. I felt I could just shake off the entire unwanted signal and get to the job. Then I realized that my tongue would not work well. It felt like my saliva had turned to rubber sap that held my tongue in cheek. Every word came out with so much difficulty. I also noticed that my mind went blank. Every single thing I knew seemed to evaporate. I could not even explain basic concepts with ease. Anyway, thank God for lecture notes. Somehow, I managed to pull through the two hours with much pain and dashed out of the class the next chance I got.
Episode 2
I stood before my congregation on this Sunday morning. It’s a small but familiar congregation I had pastored for about four years. I knew each of them personally. But something was not quite right. I felt uncomfortable and surprisingly uneasy. My heart was beating uncontrollably. Starting from the prayer before the sermon, I struggled to form the right words. All the right adjectives simply receded to some inaccessible part of my brain. I forced my way through the prayer and then went ahead to announce the topic. Then I noticed that I could barely look at the faces of my familiar congregation. Something about them made my heart to race. Each time I lifted my eyes to engage theirs, I felt overwhelmed for no reason. Suddenly, my well-prepared message deserted me. Apart from the Bible passages I read to them, nothing else came to mind. I could not even explain the passages. My heart started pounding and the sweat broke on my forehead. I wished I had not gone to the pulpit that day, but it was too late. The people came to church to be blessed and I was to command the blessings. But I could not even command my own words. To worsen the situation, I felt sure that they saw through my struggles. I shortened the sermon and beckoned on my assistant pastor to lead closing prayers. I left the stage feeling tired, empty and disappointed. I was incapable of facing anybody after service. All I wanted was to just drive home and rest – on a Sunday morning!
Episode 3
In 2023, I was attending a workshop at Sandton Sun and Towers, Johannesburg. At first, everything went smoothly. After two days of lively presentations and interactive sessions, the atmosphere was quite familiar and convivial. The participants then broke up into task groups. My group asked me to present our report to the participants. It was no big deal at all. So I glided to the stage effortlessly with my writing pad and faced the now familiar faces. The first few sentences came out with ease. Then, suddenly, my mouth dried up. My tongue became heavy. The words started sticking to my mouth. Instantly, my fight or flight mechanism kicked in thus increasing my heartbeat. My mind felt like a maze and the only thing I wanted to do was just run! By this time, the familiar faces, now seemed like a sea of strange faces common in nightmares. I finally managed to read out the points with frugal elaborations and then my nightmare ended, but the emotional backlash did not.
The burnout and panic attacks
It is easy to draw hasty conclusions about the above episodes if you haven’t been through a similar situation. But I assure you, it is not what you think. The above experiences happened within the same season in my life and even aggravated to the point of threatening my public engagements. Over 70% of my core engagements require me to speak to an audience. This includes the classroom, webinars, conferences, church meetings, and board meetings. I came face to face with the mother of frustrations. Deep inside, I loved to do these things, but the thought of them became a nightmare. Just thinking about these engagements would just send my heartbeat to the roof. On several occasions, I woke up in the morning with severe palpitation. Even the ringing of my phone jolted me. I started limiting myself to only very essential activities which always left me exhausted emotionally after each appearance. But I was determined to push through this darkness knowing there must be light at the end of the tunnel. But fighting only served to intensify the symptoms and increased my frustration. To make matters worse, I did not even know what I was fighting. I wasn’t sure if anyone else on the planet had ever been through this experience. My fears were confirmed when I spoke to a few close associates. They thought it was a very strange and unusual situation. In fact, a highly respected and distinguished gentleman had invited me to chair his daughter’s marriage. Not wanting to embarrass myself or disappoint him, I attempted to let him in on the problem. The result was a long sermon. He lectured me on how someone as accomplished as myself should not be mired in some mysterious tongue-tying syndrome.
My frustration had reached an unprecedented peak, but I was not going to let myself be rendered useless and invisible. It felt like a catastrophic turn of events from which I did not know if I would ever recover. So, I started looking for practical solutions. I fasted, prayed, meditated on the scriptures and listened to lullaby at night. I even visited the hospital, and I was referred to a psychologist. He complicated my frustration by declaring that I did not have any problems. Then one day, I was reading a book by Craig Groeschel where he narrated a personal experience that mirrored my struggles which he described a burnout! I stopped to reflect and bam, it dawned on me – I was dealing with a high degree burnout. So, how did I get here? If you are like me, you probably try to achieve a million things at a go. You might also try to squeeze twenty-five hours of work into one day. I was a serial multitasker, combining a wide range of activities – writing a manuscript, replying an email or text message, writing a letter, attending a meeting, etc. If I was in the middle of a demanding task and remembered a lighter task, I would quickly complete the lighter task to score a win for the day. Then, I would switch back to the other task. After a very long day at the office, I would go home, but not to rest. I would change my clothes and then immediately flip my laptop and continue from where I stopped. Sometimes, I would go on till well after midnight before dragging my exhausted frame to bed. I felt this unusual sense of urgency about every day. I wanted results to justify every ounce of effort invested. Someone once asked me if I ever got tired and I bragged that tiredness was unknown to me. But here I was, tired, exhausted and completely burnt out. As I searched for solution, I stumbled into similar experiences as narrated by other persons. Now I knew that I was not alone. Knowing that someone had been through what I was experiencing gave me hope. Of course, I did not just snap out of the problem overnight even after understanding what my problem was. Recovery was still a struggle and a journey but that only became possible because I took some drastic measures.
Recovery is possible
Among the several measures I took, I will just mention a few that I found quite helpful. Let me also add that there is no quick fix for a burnout. You might find what looks like a quick fix in several online articles. However, what the authors won’t tell you is that these things take time. The mind needs time to heal. Initially, I wanted a quick fix so I could just go back to my normal workaholic lifestyle but that did not happen. My mind simply refused to work the way I wanted. It was like when a laptop’s battery drains below the required threshold. You are left with no other option but to charge it. I once owned a laptop with a battery that would drain so completely that it required hours of charging to power it on. That became my personal experience. So, when I realized that this was going to be one long journey, I accepted reality. I did not stop fighting though, but I changed my strategy. One thing I did was a mind reset. I had to train my mind to neutralize the ever-present nagging sense of urgency. This sense of urgency used to put my stomach in a tensed mode while I was working. Occasionally, I caught myself in that mode and then I would just relax my stomach muscles. Another drastic change I made was that I minimized after-office work at home. I would rather read a book, watch the news or do something less mentally demanding. I also learnt to take breaks from work, especially if I start feeling pressured in my mind. In Africa, where vacation is considered shear waste of money, many people are likely to suffer from burnout, unless they have other means of releasing work pressure.
Final Word
A burnout is a terrible and life altering experience. Mine manifested in panic attacks but some people might not be that lucky. They might not even have any symptoms until they suddenly come down with a debilitating ailment or even drop dead. So, prioritize your physical welfare and mental health. Find an efficient way of releasing the stress so it does not accumulate. Take breaks from work at intervals. Learn to work smart and not just hard. Don’t try to do everything yourself in the quest for machine perfection. Delegate assignments whenever you have the opportunity. The truth is that if you die on the job, the job will not die with you. Someone else will continue from where you stopped and probably do it even better than you did.
Feel free to drop your comments or share your personal experience in the comment section for further engagements.If reading this post was helpful, share it with others who might need it. Subscribe to get new posts directly in your inbox and watch out for more.
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